Just when you feel so Omnipotent

, reality smacks you in the face, and you realize that you're nothing more than an aging superhero! Boy do I know how that feels. All the mathematical equations, tried and true methods and meticulous planning and yet......THAT BASIL PLANT IS HUGE! Holy Cow, as Phil Rizzuto used to say, that basil plant was the weakling, on the shady side of the planet, left to fend for itself, not long for this world. The other plant that I moved into the sun seemed to be doing fine though. Tonight I go out to converse with my home-veggies and the runt has 4 inch leaves. Wow that is so shocking and inspiring and educational. I picked 4 or 5 of those sweet smelling leaves, and pondered what steroid mixture or voodoo incantations had caused this.
My fragrant, green teacher is at it again, asking me to empty my cup, and learn the Tao of Basil:

Let Go: We cover every base, make every preparation, learn every nuance, and we think we are in control. Sometimes fate, divinity, or illegal mexican day laborors step in and change the path of our existance. At this point, let go and realize that sometimes we cannot control our destiny, that it is all "controlled folly" as Castaneda says. DO NOT RESIST or object, just adapt and move with the current.

Recognize Change: Do not hold prejudices, but look at each person, situation and flesh-eating zombie as a changing entity, today perhaps different than yesterday. From the moment I moved the other basil plant into the sun, I assume it was the healthiest, and ignored the gradual growth of the other lesser plant. It took an extreme change, those leaves the size of a cow's tongue, to make me "see" the plant in it's current state.

My logic, and my self are flawed: We often believe that we are right, when we are surely wrong (do I ever do that Linda?). Similar to a prejudice, our self image makes us want to be right. This often blinds us to clues that say we are wrong, or makes us forget to truly think things out. Sometimes we are just lazy. I assumed that moving the other plant to the "sunnier" side of the garden 2 months ago made him healthier, forever. In the past two months, the sun's trajectory has changed, and the tomato plants and parsley adjacent to the Basilia has grown and now provide varying amounts of shade as well. I thought I knew, but I didn't. Mea Culpa. Knowing that you don't know sometimes helps. Huh?

If my teacher is a plant what am I? On Kung Fu, Master Po called his student (David Carradine) "Grasshopper". Hmm, what other insect hangs arounds gardens looking to commune with vegetables? SLUG! Yes and they like beer too, as do I. Something about getting a new monicker makes you feel accepted, one of the guys, or ..um...bugs. Anyway, if you see me on the street, please don't call me Slug, that is a sacred name, only to be uttered by my teacher. Peace.

Yes I know he's an Arrogant Wanker but.....

Hello again from the center of the universe, because that is where I live. When babies are born, I have read, or maybe I just made this up, they believe for a certain period that they are the planet around which all action revolves. Most kids realize rather quickly that this is not the case. Isn't it funny how some people, especially certain selfish, nausiating adults, never learn that lesson? Speaking of somewhat arrogant, self-important adults, I have discovered (yes that's right!!!) another teacher.

"It's not a hill, it's a mountain" from "If I don't go crazy tonight" Bono/U2

"You got nothing I need, I can breathe" from "Breathe" Bono/U2

Oh I know many people will not like to hear that we can learn from that bad boy Bono, the cocky World Hunger champion who in general projects the fact that he is very fond of himself. But just hear me out before condemning me to the snake pit or nun convent:

When evaluating art, should the beholder consider the political, religious or ethical values of the artist? Hmmm, that is a tough one. As a student of art, of course, these factors enter into the analysis of the work of art or artist. But when deciding whether you like the song, painting, poem, sculpture or salami sandwich, must we consider the political party or social graces of the deli owner?

And now for some amateurish, and completely irresponsible interpretation:

"It's not a hill, it's a mountain"- When deciding whether to climb, would you rather see a hill or a mountain? In my mind a person decides to climb for their personal elevation, not based on the elevation of the challenge. If I am truly dedicated to the climb, and you say "but it's a mountain", I say "bring it on". Often the challege must match the desire, or the desire wanes.

"You got nothing I need, I can breathe"- Wow, how relevant is this, on a day when my schedule includes an eyebrow waxing, tanning session, trip to Macy's for Kenneth Cole shoes and then a spin on my $2000 Specialized mountain bike. Did I mention that my bike trip will be plotted by my GPS Iphone application? Is this point crystal clear, as in how much do we need? Food, loved ones, music, books, bike, beer, done. Even the beer could go, but given my contributions to society, let's splurge. The more we get, the more we "need". But if you stop kidding yourself, you know better.

Sorry just a second...what Al? I'm busy stop bothering me. OK, OK I will, just cool it. Wow, Mongoose is really touchy about me including a "Mongoose Lesson" in every post, so here goes.

Lesson from Mongoose: "Obama and Iran".
There are a handful of people that I pretty much see every day that I bike. One of them is a rather large, imposing gentlemen that walks a large, similarly mean looking pit bull. Dogs are not allowed in the preserve, but as you guessed it, I am not going to break that news to him. The first 2 or 3 times I passed him. I gave my standard "good morning" to which he did not reply, respond or even look up. This did not deter me as, when I am flying by, endorphins firing and procreating, I have no choice. Each subsequent "good morning" produced a look, a nod, and finally a "good morning". This guy will never be in my will, but now I can assume that if I crash, he may not let his dog eat me alive. "Just shoot me first". I could have never said hello, or I could have said "get your dog out of here". I would never do that, as I would never invite this guy and his dog to my house. Given the realities of the situation, make the most of it, even if it means breaking the ice, one two or three times. Obama has the same issue with Iran, Syria and other countries. Not talking, maybe threatening, is often unproductive. Communicating does not mean endorsement. If I don't communicate with you and establish a relationship, how can I incluence your actions? If that fails, then we nuke you !!! (just kidding).

Infomercial Alert: As I am also in the useless invention business (I am?, oh yeah I am taking over for Billy Mays RIP), I have the inside scoop on life-changing products before you see them advertized on channel 9 at 2 am. The first of many is the Lexicometer. This device, when attached to your throat, accurately measures words spoken per minute, average syllable per word, total syllables per sentence, and the education grade level at which the user is speaking. Just read this testimonial from Grub (formally Muffy), from Alabama:

" I had moved to the trailer park with high hopes, but nobody gave me a second glance, or invited me to any of the glue-sniffing parties. At first I thought it was because I wore a wreath of asparagus, and live centipedes for earings. Little did I know that my diction was just way too high-brow for these adorable losers. Once I started wearing the lexicometer, the problem was obvious. Each week I dumbed down my conversation, measuring my regress, following the easy to follow directions on how to sound like an elementary school dropout. Now I have lots of unemployed, homeless friends. I recently married a prisoner, and nobody will ever know that I have an MS in English from Harvard. Thank you Lexicometer! "



Wow, that story brings a tear to my eye, and also gives me a slight twitch.


My Word! What the L is that boy thinking? In the "what a difference a letter makes" category, add an L to savage and you have salvage. Which begs the question man has asked througout history, can we salvage the savage? This is a question that the U.S. must also answer in regard to wars in Iraq and Iran. What do Charles Dickens and Notorious BIG have in common? Yes both made their living from words, but the real answer is that both lived in a "crib". In Great Expectations , Pip refers to The Temple, where he and Herbert live, as "his crib". Although Dickens never went as far as stating his intention to "pimp his crib", it does make one wonder if there is a connection.

Basil Alert: We recently attended a back yard party, and the hosts had basil plants in pots on their patio, in full sun. These plants were monsters. The leaves and total height were 4 times as large as mine. Perfect environment, maximum growth. That is our goal.

Keep the faith, and keep growing. Peace.

And the Teacher Told Me

You all remember the Jethro Tull song "Teacher" from the "Benefit" album in 1970? What's an album you say? Just give me the AARP tattoo and put me in a nursing home. A new feature of the blog is that each post will begin with a quote from a rock song, ala Stephen King, who often starts a chapter in similar fashion. I stopped reading Stephen after "Needful Things". I thought that there were a lot of "Needless Things" in that novel, namely gratuitous gore and violence which did not add to the story line, making the action somewhat contrived. Needless to say, King's book sales suffered once I stopped reading him, and since then he has only sold about 1000 times more books than that cult classic, The Bible. (just kidding about the new feature rot, I may be arrested, taken hostage or transported by Scottie by the next post time, so why worry about that!).


But back to today's theme "Mongoose as Teacher". No, not the Mongoose from Rudyard Kipling's short story "Rikki Tikki Tavi" (1894), or the Donovan song "Riki Tiki Tavi" (1970), but the mongoose that is my bike. Formally Mongoose Rockadile A.L., Al to me, Mongoose for this lesson. Yes,as we have discussed before, there are many teachers in this life: basil plants, aliens from other planets (as opposed to aliens from Mexico), and Mongoose.


If you listen to Dr. George Sheehan, running guru from the 70's and 80's and author of the book "Running and Being", we learn who we are when we run, bike, dance, play basketball, tennis, meditate or anything else that we do for play. Similar to Joseph Campbell's concept of "following your bliss", it is in play and leisure that we learn the real lessons of life. And as I have said many times, to my family's dismay, "sweating brings you closer to God". But enough drivel, on to to the lessons of Mongoose:


1) Quality- We all know what quality is right? If not, or if you are looking for a wild, chaotic, profound ride, please read "Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance" by Robert Piersig. I read that book 2 or 3 times, still not quite sure what it all means. Mongoose has shown me that quality is hitting that 5 mile mark at your best time yet, when the weather is perfect and I am one with the wheels. He has also asked me what it means when I hit that 5 mile mark 2 or 3 minutes late, yet soldier on to the halfway mark, 10 minutes behind. Finishing your ride with a terrible time, feeling slow, yet finishing none the less. Grasshopper, is that also quality?

2) Cause and effect- In this case closely related to accountability, this is the category where we put ourselves in the petrie dish and (please don't turn on the bunson burner!), perform some experiments. So last week I felt great and hit that road at the 20 minute mark. Hmmm, today I hit it at the 24 minute mark, I wonder why? It was those inconsiderate runners who refused to move, or that couple walking their kids (or were they dogs?) on leashes who slowed me down. Oh Matt, Mongoose interjects, let's get real. Yeah yeah it was the 6 beers I had last night, and the fact that I got only six hours sleep. I see the effect and I know the cause. Fate and destiny, and divine intervention occur often in the movies, seldom in life. It is cause and effect people !

3) Self Awareness: In the Nicholus Roeg film "The Last Wave" the leader of the Australian aboriginal tribe, Charlie, would sit on the floor and intone to the other tribe members "who are you, who are you" over and over, his words inducing in them a trance-like state as they entered "the dreamworld". That is the big question for us, and as I bike I come closer to the answer. I may pass someone 20 years younger than me, and as I congratulate myself and proclaim "I'm not dead yet!", a grandpa 15 years my senior flies by, leaving in the dust, snapping me back to humble reality. As Bruce Lee said, man must know his limitations. My only question is "Do I have to have so many?!"

4) Nature/Social acceptance: Mongoose has taught me that no species has more intrinsic, moral or social value than another. So what that I don't seem to fit in with the other bikers on the trail, or that groups of runners shun me as I cheerfully proclaim "Good morning fellow homo sapiens"! No man is an island, and if I need to tap other species and phylums for recreation, conversation and acceptance, so bet it. I have noticed though, that rabbits are so cliquish, and that those friekin squirrels ditched me the other day when they promised they would let me eat (acorns) with them.

5) B.U. - bottom line, according to Mongoose, you just have to be yourself. Find an activity that allows you to do that in the purest way, and do it, as often as possible.

Basil update: Tomato and Parsley are making great strides and towering over my poor basil plants. Hmm, cause and effect in play again. Basils are too far on the shady side of the garden, not experiencing their sun. I will move one and see what happens. If you are not growing sufficiently, time to move closer to your sun. Peace all.

David Carradine, so sad. RIP Grasshopper, one of my earliest teachers.

Springtime means you know what!

It is spring and the world is abloom. In yards and parks, on highways and city streets, flowers, trees and buds are sprouting. Even inside my own ear drum, according to the ENT specialist I went to yesterday, spring has sprung, much to my chagrin. "Mr. Roti", Doctor Dinero opined, " I am sorry to say that you have a condition known as Eustacia Fungalis, or ear mushrooms". Of course I was shocked, embarrassed and suddenly slightly hungry. I shamefully asked what treatement I should follow. The good doctor replied that I should mix garlic and olive oil and pour this combination into each ear, then place my entire head in the oven at 375 degrees for 20 minutes while covered in foil. I now understand why President Obama wants health care reform.


When my therapist, er I mean agent, told me that it was time to get back to blogging, I did not protest. He showed me the survey results for the demographic most likely to read my blog (trailer park inhabitants and prisoners on death row), and the message was clear: for the general good, please join a monestary. But this only encouraged me further to face my destiny head on and create this new post.

And, of course, my guiding light is that garden full of basil plants, which teaches me so much. How silly, you may say, for a grown man to be spending time with dainty basil plants, divining the keys to life by gardening. Why isn't he drinking beer and watching sports on cable 24/7 like every other god-fearing American male? Ha, I laugh in the face of such adversity, of such questioning, as I try to figure out the answer. Honestly, if you are truly looking to learn the keys to life, or success, you can do this just about anywhere. Basil plants need to be nurtured, they need to be given a healthy environment, quailty soil to live in. They cannot be neglected, and must be treated with respect. Most slugs and a few squirrels I have met disagree with that, but they also come from a different political party so who cares. Like a child or any human, if they are allowed to live in a posititve place that properly feeds their well being they will thrive. Alove all else, THEY NEED SUN! It helps them grow, makes them strong, makes them rise and gives them great ambition. And to you my faithful reader I ask the same question. What is your sun? The activity that makes you grow, makes you happy, makes you understand why you were put on this God-forsaken "Satellite of Love". It doesn't matter what your Sun is, as long as it "pumps you up" while not hurting others. Reading, writing, running, biking, singing, meditating, knitting, disecting dinosaurs, whatever....Just try to find it and do it as often as possible. What? the basil plant is whispering in my ear....Oh yeah, don't forget the water, because doing all that stuff will make you sweaty, smelly and thirsty.

What the heck, who wrote that drivel above? Dang, you take a Red Bull/Fluffernutter break and you never know who is gong to sit down on your computer and start typing away. But seriously to continue the student teacher motif, they say that "If you say you are not a student, your ego is too large. If you say you are not a teacher, your heart is too small". True, true.

Some recent observations from the world of culture, pet psychiatry and virtual plumbing:

Music: Arcade Fire sounds like a new version of the Talking Heads. Then again, when I stepped on our cat's tail, I thought that sounded like the Talking Heads.

Nutrition/Health: A new clash diet is causing a stir. Listen to "The Clash" (1977) cd while jumping up and down repeatedly for the entire 43 minutes. You are guaranteed to lose at least 2 pounds, and perhaps your sanity.

My Word!- What a difference a T makes. If you add a T to mediate, you have meditate. And if more people meditated, we would need far fewer mediators.

Creativity: Yes sometimes it all comes gushing forth in a stream of consciousness doesn't it, and the thoughts and words, or notes and melodies, or dance steps flow so freely that the stream is a river, or an ocean and you are riding the wave of creativity. But other times the stream is a small leak, or a drip, or even some condensation, worse yet the stream is a desert, the Ethiopian drought. What do you do then? You wait. Dripdripdrip. But don't give up, just keep at it, just write,play,dance,sing and soon the stream will be rushing again. If only I could follow my own advice.

Enjoy the sunshine this week.

Glutton for Punishment- That's Me

Hey there sports fans, I'm back. After my first post, I wondered if there would ever be a second. Sort of like how The Who, The Cars and Counting Crows felt after their debut albums. When you catch lightning in a bottle the first time, there is trepidation about ever living up to the initial glory. So like I just lied, I mean said, I was hesitant. But the overwhelming response from the readership (in my mind/dreams) convinced me that I must go on. So basically, like Frankie, I wanted as few regrets as possible, in the future. But, as Groucho often said "Ah, enough about me". Let me proceed to my newfound purpose, which is..... Oh shoot, now I've forgotten. Oh yeah, an analysis of the psychological state of the country.
1) For as long as I can remember (at least 24 hours), I have never seen a turnaround as far as hope and optimism.Of course, we humans (excluding George Bush's 7th grade English teacher) are optimistic by nature. Regardless, I am struck by the number of people who were truly calmed and encouraged by the inauguration. Although Obama was not my first choice among the original presidential candidates, I now believe that he was truly the best of the possible choices. His serious, yet relaxed, thoughtful, intelligent persona, seems to be exactly what we need. It says something about the depths of distrust that we have been driven to, over the past 8 years. If Obama had simply said, "we are in really bad shape, and I can't fix everything, but I do care about you and I won't lie to you", a large percentage of the country would have said "Wow what an improvement".But of course he promised a lot more, so let's see how he does.
2) #1 was so long and taxing, I think the psychology of the nation (at least those reading this blog) may have changed already. Damn, sorry Obama, didn't mean to undue 2 years of work in one painfully maudlin, presumptuous paragraph.

Ok on to more important items such as what my new occupation will be should I fall victim to the financial crisis and don't receive a bailout:
1) Insect Photographer: stupid you may say, but many phylum or genuses (what do these words mean?) Of insects have queens right? Bees, Ants, Termites. Maybe they have Kings too, and by extension Homecoming Queens and prom Kings and Queens. Most likely these miniature social events have never been filmed, until now by you know who.
2) Shoe department Juggler: yes I see much of my readership slapping their forehead, saying "How did I never think of this". Don't bother I already have the patent. Men go with their wives to the shoe department with good intentions, but after 20 minutes of boredom yearn for a distraction, anything, but there are none. Sadly this can lead to marital friction, harsh words, and even death in the case of particularly annoying shoe salesmen. An entertaining distraction is obviously needed. Inject a witty, talented multi-lingual juggler who has also worked as a prison guard and the whole dynamic changes.

My goodness, a thousand pardons I ask upon your wrinkled foreheads for taking up so much of your time.To think I was just looking for a momentary distraction, here in the Lord and Taylor shoe department. Next time: the spiritual value of nurturing basil plant seedlings.

Hey I'm new to this blogging stuff so what do I know, I created a blog whose title is going to make people say "huh?". Wake up and smell the coffee is probably the proper term, but that is so boring and rooted in the past. Now Basil, that is perhaps the best smell in the universe, or at least on earth. Fresh, sweet, pure, alive. But before I start confusing people other than myself, I must qualify that I mean fresh basil leaves preferably still on the plant. Yes, you guessed it, each leaf is a perfect bit of cologne or perfume suitable for use when going to the movies, dinner or even a funeral/cremation. Maybe a bit too far there, but you get the picture. Enough, more on the Basil link later.

Despite being a supreme optimist, there are just so many "challenges" (sickening euphemism) that we face right now, this second.

1) It is cold! and that stifles lots of stuff, like blood flow, rational thought and outdoor activities (biking, walking, petty larceny, etc.) It also makes life miserable for birds (why are they not flying south anymore?) and stray cats (there's my plug for you Linda.)
2) Next atrocity (enough with the PC euphemisms) is that my Giants lost to the hated Eagles. Let's just leave it at that to avoid sobbing, foaming at the mouth and a middle age hissy fit on my part, which would not be pretty.
3) Just the general financial wreck and total lack of trust between the common man and financial institutions and government. Yes so many people out of work, but also the millionaire scammers (Madoff, CEO's, Politicians etc).

There I said it, and boy do I feel better, maybe. At any rate, someone please remind me about the multitude of good things that happen every day that we may take for granted. Too many to mention, but yeah you do need to wake up and smell the basil. Until the next post, which should happen, unless I re-read this and base continuing to blog on the quality of the first. Keep the Faith.