If You Can't Find it, Blame the Terrorists

At the risk of evil blog stalkers gaining this information, I feel compelled to raise the world's awareness. Imagine this scenario: 2 minutes left in the Super Bowl, Eli Manning driving the Giants down the field for the win, when suddenly attendees and viewers alike hear an audible pop, then nothing. The teams  are gone, the fans are gone, the stadium's gone. Huh ? Sounds like a David Copperfield stunt right ? I have information from unnamed and possibly nonexistent sources that terror organizations are enlisting the most talented magicians to plan diabolical events as just mentioned. Think of the damage to our country's spirit, should the  Pope or President suddenly disappear while giving a televised speech. The TV camera zooms in to the podium, where a single bowl of Chile or power ranger action figure now fields questions from the press. The question from Homeland Security would obviously be "where are these leaders, football teams and stadiums going?" I am beginning to ask the same question about this post. Some of my readers will say, "this could never happen", but in the words of Mad Eye Moody, "Constant Vigilance !".

The Higher Selfie: much has been written over the years in spiritual and religious texts about the "Self". This is not to be confused with the "self" or , for that matter, the "shelf", which is where many of these texts sit at the library, and where flammable and poisonous liquids reside in my garage. But the "Self", in eastern religions such as buddhism, represents the transcendent nature of each of us,
which seeks knowledge and enlightenment, similar to the "soul" of  Christianity and other religions. A worrisome campaign has been started by liberal groups, to re-invent this concept in the sacred texts, replacing the "Self" with the "Selfie". Conservative political  affiliates have stated that newly released manuscripts from the White House shredders  implicate President Obama as an accomplice in this project. According to tea party members currently incarcerated for vague IRS infractions, Obama's team has tainted classic texts such as the Upanishads, Rig Veda and Bhagavad Gita by inserting selfies of celebrities such as. Red Sox slugger Big Papi, Martha Stewart, Lady Gaga and Boy George where previously the Sanskrit term for "Self"  appeared.  Religious scholars and clergy alike are aghast at this high-tech sacrilege. The Dalai Lama himself was quoted as saying: "There in nothing but Self, as the Self is the unknown, and the Selfie looks best on an I-Phone". Rumors have persisted for years that the Dalai had a dalliance with Steve Jobs and ever since remains steadfastly loyal to Apple.

But on a serious note: 
I apologize for the above omission, but I have nothing of a serious nature to report.

Keep the Faith (and grow the Basil)  !

The End of the World

Yes it is true, you may say, that the end of the world is as likely as me kick-starting that rusted out, neglected old blog machine again. This past Sunday was sunny and warm and I was in the mood for creating some good old gumption. And nothing , Robert Pirsig often said, creates gumption better than cleaning up, and sorting, and creating order. For those uninitiated, who have not read "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance", gumption is defined as a positive, confident, energy that that allows and encourages you to believe that all things are possible. So lo and behold, after cleaning the shed of the following:

1. A pile of grass seed created by the mouse in residence munching on a bag of Scott's sun and shade seed
2. 25% of the wire (lamp, speaker,monster cable) from a rent lawn bag
3. Old drop cloths, that were older sheets and blankets
4. A variety of items that needed rearranging, repositioning,sweeping or to be transported to the garage

I  was filled with gumption at the sight of the clean, orderly space that now consisted of, well, open space. I thought the job was done, but a strange, subtle curiosity behind my eyes nudged me forward to move a piece of stockade fence to the side.....and there it was. The blog machine.. dirty, rusty,all but shouting "I will not start". I felt my gumption waning, and realized I had perhaps one last moment of action remaining. I quickly pulled the cord, nothing, then again...more promising, and again....and IT ROARED.


Thus, here we are. The blogging season has begun.

Please join Now (The Human Race)

Why is it that some people just don’t seem to belong to the same race? I am not talking about unconventional or unique people, but those that just seem to “not get it” in one way or another. There are two types, based on my research:

        1)  Waiting for the invite: Some people are harmless, and friendly enough, they just seem like they need a kind soul to just say, “come, be one of us”. These are the people that walk on the boardwalk in summer wearing UGGS, work shoes and dress shirts with cuff links. These  misguided people use full service gas even though they are not rich and fully able, they jus cant figure it out. They still read physical encyclopedias  and plant tulip bulbs with a spatula.  Once embraced by  the collective soul of humanity , they too will have the common knowledge that we all take for granted.

       2) Not yet evolved: These are the people that may or may not have technical and aesthetic knowledge, but do not value cooperation, civility and respect. These are the people that show up 30 minutes late for the only Barbara Streisand concert in a generation,  and spend it consuming 1000 calories of soda, popcorn and box wine. This primordial group runs the spectrum from those that talk loudly on their cell phones about  stock investments and social diseases to those that would  participate in a hit and run accident. 

 I see dead people when I bike:  Biking the other day, I reached a point where I was riding along the Bethpage parkway for a short while, and I was reminded of Robert Pirsig’s recollections in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  As he rode across country on his motorcycle, he looked at the faces of people driving to work in the morning, and they looked so angry, desperate, tired and hopeless, that he thought they looked like dead people. Is this how some people approach work each day, or each day in general? The answer sadly is yes. What can you do to help, you ask? Remember that each day, in the words of Don Juan, “is nothing but controlled folly”. Yes we may be doing a very serious job, and people are counting on us, banking on us. But we are most productive when we are relaxed, and humor and insightful thought is relaxing. So please do make that joke, reference the high and lofty, take a moment to be kind and complimentary, and people will appreciate it. And success will seek you out. And you will make the office busybody very nervous. 

 The Season of Death:  Yes  you are correct, this is the uplifting section. Although the weather is warm, the growing season is mostly past, so the tomatoes are gone, and the basil and parsley are slowly waning. The parsley has long stalks and flowers, yet the end is near. I look at these herbs that have served us well, and there is a feeling of nostalgia. That hot summer day seems like only yesterday (which was 70 degrees by the way), and within weeks we will be freezing.  And before we know it, the ground will be covered with snow. The days are darker, seemingly shorter, yet the sun and night sky are crisper and clearer. We are changing, adapting, growing….wiser, stronger, closer…How many shopping days ‘till Christmas? 

Peace All

A Lesson from Klaatu

 It has been far too long ago that I last posted, my dear readers, er reader, ....is there anybody out there!!??
Sorry, but yes far too long between posts and I promise to correct that, however painful it may be for the faithful few who do read this unorthodox blog of mine.

As you all know, I get inspiration from inanimate objects, have mentors such as Basil  plants, and often learn my most pungent (or is that poignant?) lessons from my two-wheeled teachers, a succession of mountain bikes. The first was Al, my Mongoose Rockadile AL. In gratitude for his teachings, I bent several of his rims and he now sits in solitude, rusting and dusting away in my shed. Who said a teacher's retirement isn't grand?
Then there was JP my JeeP, $99 Black Friday special who taught me volumes and served me well, until I brought him back to Sports Authority for servicing, where he expired at the hands of an undercover pet groomer posing as a bike technician. My current teacher and mountain bike is Klaatu, a K2 Zed 4.4 beauty, far superior to those previously mentioned in technology as well as wisdom. A brief encounter with a couple of racing bikers, described below, was the vehicle for my latest lesson.

Wide tires: - This past Sunday, as I entered the preserve where I bike, I encountered 2 guys on racing bikes. If you don't already know, racing bikers and mountain bikers, of which I am one, do not mix. They are separate castes, but more on that later. I gave them a good 30 seconds to pick up the pace, and when they did not, I passed them using the proper protocol with a cheery "good on your left" as I zipped by. Given the fact that racers don't like the mere sight of a mountain biker on "their" trail, they certainly don't like the site of a mountain biker's backside as he passes their faster bikes. They were in pursuit. As I emerged from the woods they were on my tail, but as I crossed over the  highway grass median (looking both ways for traffic), they stayed on the paved shoulder and proceeded down to the traffic light.

This surprised me until I realized, they have racers with thin tires, and can only ride on pavement. Hmmm how limiting, I thought, how inefficient, how illogical. They are specialized, aesthetic. My mountain bike has wide tires, I can ride on pavement, gravel, grass, dirt, a stream. They must stay on the straight and narrow of the paved trail.

Klattu has taught me many things, and I had a feeling I was about to learn a life lesson. I asked myself if I had wide tires as I traveled the path of life. Can I go anywhere, both literally and figuratively? Can I live in cold and hot, city and rural, east and west, other countries? More important, do I have wide enough tires to converse with the CEO, and in the next breath joke with the janitor, respect the senior citizen walking so slowly in front of me, smile as the infant on my train cries and cries? Can I solve analytical, aesthetic and philosophical problems, while simultaneously fixing the faucet, planting the shrubs and grouting the tile. The racer may get to his destination faster than I, but can only take a specific path. Should he encounter debris along the way he is done, a certain blowout. On the trail my wide tires can withstand all obstacles, but can I translate that to challenges that confront me in daily life, at home work and school?  The racer has one path to his goal, the arrival and speed so important. The paths of the wide tires are many, often the destination uncertain, the results unexpected, the journey most essential.

Do you have wide tires? I hope that  I do, and now think of this question throughout my day.

Lucky readers of this post are privy to the "New Inventions" feature which highlights the latest technological or imaginary innovations that I have either used myself, or fabricated while daydreaming in the most recent Global Town Hall at work. The first of many hopefully:


Google Drone: This new app is a joint effort between the US Dept. of Homeland Security and a rogue droid development team based in Tel Aviv. For a fairly large fee ($250,000 first time, $200,000 for each successive), you can have a cutting edge technology military drone seek out, lock in and vaporize the person, pit bull, or nail salon of your choice. One requirement is that the target must own a registered Iphone or Droid OS based smartphone, and be running google maps or another supported GPS-based location app. "What was that you said about me on on facebook?" Just plug in the offending creep's phone number, add to cart, and voila, problem solved. PayPal is accepted.

Until next time, "Constant Vigilance"!  

Happy New Year ! (A Bit Late)

Yes the new year's festivities have come and gone, and with 2012 have come resolutions, reflection on the events of 2011, and more importantly the NFL playoffs. How 'bout those Giants !!!! And of course, the personal commitment to bettering ourselves (resolutions) presents great fodder for bloggers like me who are usually clueless about a topic. So at the risk of being corny, and prompting reader's eylids to flutter and shut, here we go:

Positively 4th Street: Such a cliche that most people disregard it, thinking positively is the most magical trick in the human psychology bag. Always look for the best in a situation, person or vampire, and results will be optimum. In the work place I have found that being positive in most every action and statment convinces others that anything is possible. Caveat: be a realist, but express realism in a positive way.

That's the Spirit: Regardless of your religious or spiritual ilk, it is important to realize that there is more to life than the here and now, your debit card balance, and what flavor ice cream you are having for dessert. Plus, when things go terribly wrong, don't you want a higher power to blame? Honestly, there are too many circumstances that occur in all of our lives that illustrate the fact that we are being helped, Protected and educated by a higher or collective power. Once you open your mind to that possibility, your potential for success and happiness increases exponentially. Gary Zukav, in "The Seat of the Soul" explains that our soul is connected to all other souls, past and present, former family members, friends, etc. Ask them for help, guidance and , perhaps, winning lotto numbers. Whether your god is Christ, Allah, lightning, Vishnu, or Justin Bieber, take time each day to "worship", and reap the rewards.

Please Humor Me: Yes, I am churning out the cliches today, so why stop now. Laughter truly is the best medecine, but don't think you need to wait for sickness to use it. That being said, being a tad mentally ill certainly helps in becoming a quality comedian. There are very few situations and venues that do not lend themselves to jokes and laughter. Of course, each moment in life is unique, and the appropriate form and level of humor must be considered and supplied. In the work place, stress often fosters extreme, non-sensical situations that warrant absurd, side splitting humor. In more formal, or serious situations, humor may need to be witty, subtle and high-brow. With the proper delivery, intelligence and sensitivity, a good zinger or pun brings insight, relaxation and unity. Look for humor, and you will find it.

I think You're Crazy..Like Me: They say that there is a fine line between insanity and genius, but that doesn't mean you have to be a genius to be a little nuts. This is definitely the case for me. At times I am downright stupid, but I am always (and always will be) disturbed. Not disturbed to the point that I need a straight jacket (I am very happy with my leisure suit, thank you) , but just unconventional enough to see the world differently than most. The masses think that you are crazy if you don't think like them, so to distinguish yourself creatively, philiosophically or otherwise, you do need to be a bit "crazy". Interpret situations as nobody else, find the good when the mood is starkly negative, embrace the mundane tasks of daily life with vigor, and you are in fact crazy. And someone I would certainly admire.

A Penny for Yor Thoughts: You will truly go where your thoughts lead you. Think of your self as a failure, ordinary person or unqualified success, and this is the persona that you will project to your co-workers, friends, classmates and pet reptiles. Whether it is through meditation, visualization, or reading your favorite motivational authors, feed your brain with the fertilizer that is best for you, and realize that you are truly special, as my home-boy Mr. Rogers once said.

Look Ma, No Brakes: When I was a kid in the 60's, the "Look Ma No " jokes were very popular. They were visual jokes that were a take off  on the kid riding a bike not holding the handlebar and stating "look ma no hands" . The jokes were more gory and depicted a deformed or de-limbed kid .... you get the rest. Pertaining to the self-imposed limits on our success or potential due to what our friends, family or society tell us, there is a lesson here: don't use the brakes.  When Linda and I bought the Prius, we learned about "hyper-miling", a concept of driving that hybrid owners adopt to maximize the MPG they get. It involves breaking as little as possible, coasting wherever you can, and slowing when needed to avoid a full stop. The only hard and fast rule is that you never do something to put yourself or others in danger. That should be our motto in life: stay off the brakes, keep going forward, slow but don't stop, but be wary if you will hurt yourslf or others. Oh yeah, and whether it's food, coffee, love, or a silent prayer, don't forget to fuel up. 

Happy New Year!!

Excuse Me Madam, but Your Deviation is not Standard

Hmmmm, don't you love those words that can be both a noun and a verb. At the risk of approaching lexicon lunacy, they really get my motor running.

One such word is deviate. Depending on whether you are a liberal or a conservative, deviating from the status quo can be healthy and refreshing, or forbidden and criminal. But regardless of which tent you camp in, straying too far past the "standard deviation" could brand you as a deviate. "So counciler let me get this straight. Are you saying that partaking in this activity to an extreme degree is the cause celebre for this verb to noun transmogrification?" Oh lordy, how the mind at times takes itself on such flights of fancy, making one long for the days of electro-shock therapy and ice-pick lobotomies! Such good, clean fun.

Deviate: this word, seldom used today, invokes in many the feeling of disgust (noun and verb !!), shame (ok enough already, you've proven that the concept is not unique in any way), and other negative emotions that make the individual want to make a citizen's arrest, or at the very least cross this person off the christmas card list.

Variations of Deviation: one can be a social deviate (most often used from my memory), a political deviate, a religious deviate or academic deviate. Given the fact that we do not live under totalitarian rule, and that quality of prose and common sense is not required, we could come up with examples of deviate behavior iin every walk of life. Although the word is not frequently used these days, many people (conservatives, Tea party members, encyclopedia salesmen and Rednecks alike) are quick to condemn those that in their minds deviate too far from their values.

Woof Woof: Speaking of deviates, I was listening to Iggy Pop's "I wanna be your dog" the other day and it gave me a strange feeling. It brought me back to my youth, when I looked at the family dog with jealousy, wishing I could walk on all fours and fetch the ball and stick. As a child I often got down on my hands and knees with our dog to play, and never did I feel more comfortable. It struck me, I am truly a dog stuck in a human's body. Hmmmm, they allow gender change operations. Why not a species change operation? I know it sounds like absolute insanity, but just wait a few years. Did anyone think 50 years ago about the possibility of the transgender concept? Anything is possible, sadly.

Mind Bender: OK, let's get back to somehwere close to reality for a moment. You will all be happy to learn that I have planted my basil for the year. Linda and I have been very busy planting shrubs, flowers, grass seed and praying that it would get warm and sunny. Despite the facts that our prayers were not answered, everything we have planted is thriving. And the cardinals are singing and flying around our back yard like kamizazees! So take a deep breath, point your face to the sun, and say Thank You that the wretched winter is over.

Keep the Faith my Fellow Farmers !

Welcome to My Nightmare

There are certain "firsts" in life that we always remember. It starts with our own first steps and proceeds from there. In my generation your first album purchased was a milestone that was not easily forgotten. Not sure what the equivalent would be today, "my first download" perhaps. My first album ever was the original London version of Jesus Christ Superstar, recevied on my Confirmation day, when I was in 6th grade. It sort of didn't count though, because at the time we only had a family stereo and I was not allowed to operate it. So whenever I wanted hear it, I had to ask another family member to spin it for me. How lame.

Billion Dollar Babies: But alas, my snoozing readers ask, what does that have to do with the welcoming, terrifying blog title I have propsed? My "real" first album, that I bought once I had my own stereo, was Alice Cooper's "Billion Dollar Babies". I probably bought it at Korvette's or Two Guys in Jersey for 5 dollars. I recently saw the new vinyl version for $28 in J and R Music World. Wow! Yes I know that doesn't answer the question at hand but read on.

8 Degrees of Perspiration: As those of us who are spiritual, psychic or in trouble with the law know, there are no coinidences in life. As ATT states, we're all connected. Thus is the case with me, Alice Cooper, Linda's Prius and this blog. When I was just a lad, I happened to be at Yankee stadium with my family when who did I spot but the very skinny, seemingly strung out Alice Cooper, hanging out with actor Ron Ely (Superfly). Once this happened I forgot all about the Yankees and high-tailed it over to Alice for an autograph. Luckily we were at a sporting event, so most right-minded fans assumed Alice was homeless, or dressed for Halloween, as he often tends to be. That left a clear path to Alice and I quickly received an autograph, a page away from Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotters) and 2 pages away from Eddie Mast (Future NY Knick at that time). I was too nervous to ask if I could pose with Alice for a picture, so I tried to take one of him, but realized I was holding a tuna sandwich in tin foil and not a camera, when I could not find the shutter release. My brother-in-law stated that he was so skinny because he was on heroin.

Linda's Prius: The prius is just amazing and I think Linda really likes it. I call it "Pre" which is a phonetic spelling that is short for Prius and was also the nickname for Steve Prefontaine. Steve was one of the greatest runners of all time, from Villanova, who died so very young in a car accident. It was in the Prius, listening to satellite radio (that will be SSSSOOOOOOOOOOO hard to give up), that I recently heard "Welcome to my Nightmare" by Alice cooper. At first I did not recognize the song and was curious to know what it was, given the great saxaphone and interesting arrangement. When I learned that it was in fact, "Welcome to my Nightmare", it brought me back to 1986. I was working at the Massapequa Park Mobile station, earning extra money and getting ready for our wedding in August. I remember this song and the actual hit from the album "Only Women Bleed", playing on the radio fairly frequently as I pumped gas that summer.

Welcome to My Nightmare: As we were sitting around the "picnick" table this past Friday (has "patio furniture" replaced "picnick table" in the American lexicon, or only so on the left and right coasts?), I brought up the topic of Alice Cooper and was greeted with derisive laughter, and "What does Alice Cooper have to do with anything?" But, alas, as I explained, he was just inducted into the rock and roll Hall of Fame. As I continued to depict to my rapt family members, his biggest hits were probably "Eighteen", a teen angst classic and his first hit, "School's Out", an anti-education anthem and perhaps his most famous, and several songs from the aforementioned "Billion Dollar Babies". From my perspective, Welcome to My Nightmare was an album that Alice created well past his most popular period.

I am hoping, dear readers, that the relationships that I have uncovered between these seemingly  disjoined topics have given you continued hope that:
1) A loving, all powerful intelligence does control the universe, or
2) I still have the knack for writing about any meaningless drivel that pops into my mind.

And yes, the impending rites of Spring have caused a stirring in my soul (or is that just the tacos I ate last night), so I must now tend to the tomatoes and basil that sit on my windowsill, straining toward the sun that filters in. At any rate, all of the above give me the surety that we must all.....

Keep The Faith